Posted on : 11-09-2009 | By : Sadie Smythe | In : Uncategorized
I was talking to my mother, who had come for a short visit over the weekend, about Andrew.
Yes, she asked about Andrew, and about how he and I were doing, god bless her. But I had to sadly inform her that he and I had broken up. She looked at me with such genuine sympathy at the news of Andrew’s departure from my life that I think my heart may have actually smiled at her ability to understand and reconcile my sadness at losing not my husband, but my boyfriend. So, when she asked “Are you alright, honey?” it was absolutely all I could do not to burst into tears, crawl across the length of the couch to her, and curl up against her bosom like I did when I was young, in an adolescent attempt to allow her to comfort me in my grief.
Instead I heaved a desolate sigh and just said, “No, not really … but I will be.”
And so we talked at length about my involvement with Andrew, how it began simply enough with a succinct ad on Craigslist and how it evolved into something bigger and more emotionally weighted than either of us could have ever imagined. And as I spoke about how deeply I felt for him, I was inundated again –as I have been many times in the wake of our breakup– by a strong sense of appreciation and of genuine gratitude that Andrew graced my life in the manner that he did; that he talked me into meeting him face-to-face almost one year ago, even though I was thoroughly apprehensive about doing so because I could not get past the fact that he was only 24. I felt that he was much too young for me.
Perhaps he was.
Or maybe he wasn’t. He has said many times that he has matured quite a bit in the last year. How could he not have? I was his first real adult relationship, and although I could not offer him a traditional one, what we had together was nevertheless genuine and valid and was something from which he learned a lot. And, I can say the same.
In fact, it was my mother who pointed out to me something that I believe to be very important. Something that I had not actually even realized~
Your relationship with Andrew was the first one that you had where you were sober the entire way, wasn’t it?
I thought about it for a brief moment. She was exactly right.
Yes. Yes, it was, mom. He was my first relationship, ever, where I have been sober the whole time.
EVER.
Apparently I had some growing up to do in the last year myself.
Yes.
Maybe it was Sadie that was too young.
So, you see, despite the profound sadness that I feel at the demise of our relationship, I have complete comprehension that Andrew’s presence in my life served a very poignant purpose. For both of us. How sad would it be if I was not capable of fully recognizing all of the wonderful gifts he has given me, including not just the role he has played in my sobriety, but also in this dance with polyamory? And how futile would the time that we spent together have been if I did not acknowledge, honestly and candidly, the sincere fact that that Andrew was, without a fucking doubt, really good for me in so many ways. Ways in which I may not even realize right now.
The ironic thing is that having this knowledge only makes me love him more.
But, I suppose that’s not necessarily a bad thing, after all is said and done … is it?
Yes, I too have matured much in the last year, thanks in large part to Andrew.
And I think it was about time … to grow the fuck up.
nice post Sadie. it”s never too late to grow up. Niko
That’s wonderful that your mom reacted that way. How sweet. Also wonderful that she pointed out a positive that you had yet to realize yet. Every relationship gives the people involved chances to learn and grow in some way. I’m glad you realized that you’ve grown from the time you had with Andrew. I’m sure he took away a lot from you as well.
I love how you write so openly.
Mothers are wonderful for this, aren’t they? I’m glad she’s such a source of support, and I’m glad you’re still loving Andrew. It’s always healthy to see all the wonderful things people have brought to our lives. And you should feel proud of growing the way you have.
I think I love your mom.
My best to you while your heart heals.
i think life couldnt be appreciated more in moments such as these.. what were the odds that andrew would had turned up in your life, leave alone the fact that you learned all soo much. be well.
I really like this post
It was a goodie.
Next time you see your mom you should snuggle up with her
Each part is a step on the path.
Or, something like that.
Rock on!
I’m pretty sure that you grew the fuck up a while back — when you decided to go clean and sober. I can’t commend you enough for facing your demons head-on.
And remember your support network! Your friends are there for you when things go wrong, and that includes things like your breakup with Andrew. If you don’t have many poly friends in “real life” you can talk to, then talk to some of us. I make a good sympathetic ear and will listen without judging.
Hang in there.
– PB
Isn’t it amazing that when we are 18, 20, 21, 24 etc we are sure we are an adult… however, I think as you state that we continually grow, or we should.
Very profound point. I bet it set you back while you thought about it. Now, i am thinking too.
Bless your mother for providing the understanding and compassion you need, even if she doesn’t ‘get’ your choices. Mama’s are good for that aren’t they?
This line from the Notebook kept coming to mind as I read this post.
“I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever.”
Wow Sadie- that is so great to have that moment and insight from your mom. It is painful, but also wonderful that you can reflect and take some positive points as you work to move forward. Thanks for sharing as always.
Wow, just wow. I love how your mom was such a support. You are very lucky in that.
And what a great thing she pointed out to you.
Sadie dear you are an ever-evolving woman, I’m glad you can see the positive in not such a happy situation, just more proof of your change!
Keep evolving friend!
So glad you have such a support system Sadie…she sounds awesome!