Posted on : 01-11-2010 | By : Sadie Smythe | In : open marriage
We opened our marriage because we knew it was something we needed to do for us.
We looked at it as a sort of a safeguard measure. We understood intuitively that it was highly unlikely that we would make it the rest of our married life, which could feasibly be another 40 years, without cheating on each other; Hubby and I both have high libidos and wandering eyes. So, it made sense for us to open up and be honest and forthcoming about what we were doing and who we were doing it with. We will have been open for four years in March, and we continue to grow as a couple as we maneuver our marriage through all of the experiences we have with others.
What Hubby and I have done here, and what I think many couples do sometimes consciously, and sometimes unconsciously, and other times by sheer default, is to design our relationship according to our specifications.
We drew up the plan and put it into action.
And we did so because we knew no one was going to do it for us. So, we did it ourselves.
Because no one came to us at any point before our wedding day or during our marriage and said, Hey, listen, you two … one day you will both come to the important realization that you can’t, won’t, and really shouldn’t be everything to each other. Know this, because you’ll drive yourselves fucking nuts attempting to fulfill that unspoken obligation.
We just kinda figured it out along the way.
And there was no class offered that would remind us something that we knew on a deeply visceral level before we fell in love, and managed to remain cognizant of during the throes of our most intense infatuation – monogamy is an extremely difficult concept to pull off even in the very best of circumstances; and marriage, by sheer virtue of its own inherent design, offers up a pretty massive helping of strenuous circumstances, especially when considering how long marriages are supposed to last.
But we knew somehow that this was true.
And we wanted our marriage to last as long as possible.
This is not to say that we chose an easier road by opening up our marriage. Not by any stretch. In fact we might have chosen a more difficult path. And it is also not to say that we are more enlightened, or more open-minded, or less tolerant of complacency. Okay, maybe we are less tolerant of complacency, but that’s just because … we are.
But, that’s okay. Because isn’t that what marriage is all about? Deciding who you are as a couple, what you can abide by and indulge in and what you can’t? Figuring out what it is you both want, desire, and need in all areas of your relationship, and thus structuring it in a way that guarantees its success to the greatest degree possible?
It’s easy to choke on the force-fed relationship rhetoric that pervades our culture – soul mates, love of my life, one true love, everlasting love, forever and always, blah, blah, blah. Such fucking pressure we are under to find this elusive person to “complete” us, to make us whole. To fill us up.
As if without another person we are an empty vessel.
So we are taught from a very early age to find someone, some one, to fill our hollow void. And when we find that person, and only one, we are to hold on to her very tight, never let her go, and for god’s sake, don’t share her with anyone. No, no, no. That would not be wise. That’s too risky, for you could lose your love, the one you’ve found, your one true love, your soul mate, the love of your life, your lasting love … the one who completes you.
These teachings never made sense to me or Hubby, and so ultimately we decided to write our own principles by which we live together in our marriage – thereby designing it our way. And so whenever we invite others into it with us, we must educate them as to how it is we have structured things. And then we get to work again, designing different relationships according to the specifications that we set together with them, oftentimes within the framework that Hubby and I have established, but not necessarily. We can and do give them the opportunity to create structures of their own, however they need it to be. However it works for everyone involved.
Doing it ourselves.
And I think that’s the way all relationships should work – as the couple or triad or quad or whomthefuckever designs it, even making it up along the way if need be. The beauty of being human in the year 2010 is that when it comes to this sort of thing, we don’t have to follow anyone’s blueprints but our own.
We can just do it ourselves … because we are, ultimately, the architects of our own relationships.
I certainly agree. Survival of the fittest–those who evolve, survive. Not just physically, but emotionally, and practically, and mentally, and metaphysically.I used to be OBSESSED with finding "THE best friend." One person who was PERFECT as my friend, the only one I would ever need. I lost a lot of wonderful relationships with that in mind.Polyamory recognizes the impossibility of that–or, at least, the impracticality and improbability of it–because "there is always someone better out there." That ceases to be true when you spend lots of time building a relationship, like you have with your Hubby, and that is FABULOUS–but still not EVERYTHING.Of course, NOW I have "THE best friend," but it took a lot of pain and heart and soul and TIME to get here, and she's still not EVERYTHING, because sex is out of the equation.Sorry to ramble, but your post got me thinking BIG TIME, and I appreciate it so much for that
You inspire me, you educate me, and I am ever so thankful for your blog!XOXO~Agri
That is deliciously empowering.Thank you for that. I've loved the graphic fucking accounts, but its great to hear more about the marriage itself.Thank you for the inspiration
I fucking hate the idea that a couple should complete each other. I think that fairy-tale notion has caused more trouble than just about any not found in a religious text of some ilk.I tend to say everyone walks their own path. But it's a similar idea to DIY.And just FYI, I like cold and analytical. As long as they know whenyou're stop being cold and analytical :-p
Here here. I agree with all u shared. I am in a traditional marriage, and honestly.. not that happy. I yearn for more. For me, monogamy is not happiness.. to me, it feels like a prison sentence. Just how I feel.
This mirrors a conversation I had recently with someone… and we both agree with you wholeheartedly. No one person can be, or should be everything to one person.Thank you for posting this.
This reminds me of the book 'Monogamy' by Adam Phillips. The idea that we should make conscious decisions about what kind of relationship we want to have is central. It's a good read if you're up to it.This interview on Salon gives an overview of what to expect from the book:http://www.salon.com/feb97/monogamy970219.html
I think that a lot of us have been locked into the concept of the "one person, happily ever after" myth.I know that for the 1st several months we were swinging, I did not want couples who had not been together for awhile because I felt that they had "given up on monogamy" so soon.Now I realize that monogamy is not for everyone and that 'giving up' on it does not make you a bad or uncommitted person, it just means that you know what you want.My challenge will be how to communicate that to my children, especially the girl, as the girls are the ones who get sucked into the "everlasting love/happily ever after" clause more than boys do.
Thanks for this Sadie. I'm always amazed and thrilled at how well you articulate these concepts. It's only been recently that I've started to realize that this is exactly what Vincent and I needed to do — to design our marriage to work for us because the "rules" we were taught as children weren't working out the way we'd been told they should. There are also certain things we each want out of this life and one of them involves sitting in rocking chairs 40 years in the future and looking back over our shared path. And to make that dream a reality, we both have to work hard, communicate clearly and often, and mostly, not take what we have together for granted.I will add one other thing though — from my perspective it isn't completely DIY because we learn a lot from you and other bloggers — taking a bit here, trying a thing there — that really helps. Thanks for sharing.
Everyone has to find their own way through life, marriage & happiness. That road may have many turns, potholes and forks for all of us. I am always moved by your forthright efforts to articulate your position and find the best path for you and yours. XX
This is spot-on, I strive to put this into practice in my relationships. Open or not, we all need to DIY in relationships!
I love how you clearly articulate where you guys are and what and how you discovered this. Working through it is difficult as in any relationship – but the theme to find our own way as a couple and don't be boxed in by others (society, groups etc) and do what works for you as a couple is a resounding healthy reminder.
Thanks for sharing. The other thing worth noting, which I'm sure you will agree is that the design of marriage is a fluid one, and what worked for you today may not work tomorrow, and so on.
While I'm all for poly and open relationships if they work for the people who are in them, don't forget there ARE a bunch of us who are monogamous and we are happy with the person we're with.My husband and I have been together over 12 years now, and it works for us.No, I realize it doesn't work for everyone, but those of us who are monogamous and it works for us aren't necessarily just settling or being "completed" by one person. I don't need someone else, and neither does he.And I can speak to this having come from a previous relationship where I couldn't stay faithful to the jerk because he was a jerk. (Which is why I knew it wouldn't work long-term with him.)The bottom line is, as you said, you have to define what works for you. Monogamy works for us. Does it work for everyone? No, of course not. There seems to be a tendency for some (not saying you're doing it, but I've seen it happen on other forums) where proponents of open/poly relationships slam monogamy.But neither way is wrong or better or less than the other, because it all boils down to the people in the relationship. If it works, then it's the "right" way for that relationship regardless of how it's defined.
I'm surprised not to see hundreds of comments here. this is by all accounts one of the best written explainations of choosing your own destiny, and designing your own life, regardless of what those fairy tales have to say. thank you for saying it like it should be said. thank you for saying it the way that I like to explain it to others. you're so gifted that way. very empowering.