Posted on : 04-04-2010 | By : Sadie Smythe | In : open marriage
Look at us, we’re like a couple of kids, he said to me the other day.
We are in lust.
I agreed. And it’s true, we certainly are in lust. Many of the more mellow moments of my day are often spent in quiet reverie, with Dominic cast in the lead role of whatever the fleeting fantasy or factual recollection it is that decides to assert itself in my meager mind. These thoughts aren’t even intentional, they just tiptoe sleepily into the corners of my subconscious and make a swift commotion until I notice that they are there. And this recognition is often accompanied by a comfortingly moist sensation between my legs – a temporary watermark that proves his presence regardless of his proximity.
We (or at least I) have fallen into the throes of what Poly people refer to as New Relationship Energy, or NRE for short.
The concept of NRE was identified and so named by Zhahai Stewart in the 80′s, and has since become a buzzword in the polyamorous culture to identify the lustish phenomenon that occurs in the beginning of new relationships. He says that NRE is something that everyone feels, “the heady rush of escalating emotional connection and the hot juiciness of a growing sexual attraction, with a person we are just beginning to know and want to know better, much better. It may be viewed as new love, or maybe new lust, but it’s definitely a factor to reckon with.”
I know from my own experience with NRE and lust that it doesn’t last forever, but while it does, it’s super fun.
Such as what is going on with me and Dominic.
I am actually a bit hesitant to refer to the two of us being in NRE because the label itself, New Relationship Energy connotes an arrangement that he and I haven’t identified. Just recently, he was unsure if he should even think of us as dating each other, even though I’ve slept at his house twice, we’ve been out on a few dates, we text or IM each other at least once almost every day, we refer to each other as Baby, Sweetheart and other gooey names, and we fuck each other’s brains out about once a week.
I said to him, I hate to break it to you, babydoll, but we are kinda dating.
And he agreed.
But, NRE? Relationship? We haven’t gotten to that word yet. And it’s possible that we won’t. But, regardless of how we are, or aren’t, identified, it doesn’t detract from the fact that Dominic and I are definitely in the thick of that frenetically lascivious force that occurs between two people who have recognized an undeniable and practically tangible connection. We are realizing that there is more to know, more to like, and thus more to enjoy about each other.
And what a lovely realization that is.
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Stewart calls NRE the “dynamic which bridges between transient adventures … and long term relationships. While it can certainly produce great sex, it also has emotional bonding aspects, typically with a strong component of wanting more.”
Umm… yeah. In this case, it has certainly produced great sex.
And while I am definitely feeling a pull for more, whatever that more looks like, I am reticent to ask for it. My expectations in this thing with Dominic (I don’t have another term to describe it) have been low to nil and will remain so unless guided otherwise. Perhaps this is a defense mechanism my psyche has installed in order to keep me from getting hurt, or maybe it’s merely my way of keeping myself in check emotionally so that I don’t fuck things up. I do know that I am working hard on my control issues at home and the payoff has been grand. And luckily I am managing to extend this recently adopted attitude of letting go, outward, into my other relationships; such as the one with Dominic.
And what a lovely realization that is, too.
So, yeah, Dominic and I are like a couple of kids who can’t get enough of each other. And fuck, it’s really fun behaving like one with him. And like kids, I imagine we will keep on the lust train until one or both of us decide to get off.
Errr… you know what I mean.
Until then, we’ll just enjoy the ride.
NRE – New Relationship Energy or No Real Expectations?
Hmmm… maybe in my case, it’s a little bit of both.
I have been a NRE for a year now. It is fantastic. Enjoy
I love that term. I had never heard it, but it is certainly something I am addicted to. That electric spark of anticipation. It is certainly a force to be reckoned with.
Great concept and happy that you're having some!!
I love that new relationship feeling. It's wonderful!
Ah! That is the feeling I feel and am addicted to! Interesting post.
Holy shit it has a name. That love that dare not speak its name but lurks in the smoldering hot corner of every new relationship. My lover and I have been reveling it the past few months although, sadly, it has begun to fade. Neither of us knew the name: he would say we were on vacation, I would say we were on drugs. Fabulous post.
Oh Oh OH! This is exactly where I am at right now. I am *addicted* to that new relationship rush. But am struggling something fierce with my ocd nature to control everything, know where I stand at all times.Totally loved this post
xoxo
Great description of that phase of relationship. Glad to have found your blog.
Oh I know just how you feel! Most of my outside partners were friends first before becoming lovers. But I met my latest FB on Ashley Madison, and the chemistry was immediate and intense. The first time we slept together was the best sex I've ever had. I always intend on talking to him for a few minutes when I go over there, but it never happens. I can always feel my heart racing and my pussy getting wet on the drive over – every stoplight makes me hotter and hotter. Too bad he's out of state for the next two months.
There is a widespread theory that NRE for lovers experienced by married women who are cheating has a strong tendency to greatly diminish their sexual attraction to thier husbands, lead to much less sex with him, and over time dissolve her feelings of loving pair bondedness with him.
This goes along with most women tending to be monogamous or serial monogamous in nature, while most men tend to be polygamous/promiscuous in nature. Obviously not all in both cases.
This may operate a lot less with high testosterone, more promiscuous or slut driven women.
Did you feel any lessening of sexual attraction during this phase with Dominic, or earlier with Andrew?
Doug,
No, not really. Sexual attraction with a long-term partner ebbs and flows. I haven’t noticed any significant drop in our sex lives while I’ve been in NRE.
xo~Sadie