Posted on : 05-25-2010 | By : Sadie Smythe | In : open marriage
I’ve been texting sporadically with Trent in recent weeks.
Trent is the guy with whom I had a somewhat tumultuous two-year affair that ended when I left California. It wasn’t long after I moved away that Trent’s wife discovered that he had been cheating on her.
With me.
With me.
Since her discovery, Trent’s wife has kicked him out of their house and insisted he seek psychotherapy. Trent complied and, thus, she has subsequently allowed him back into the house … yet banished to another bedroom. Because Trent chose to have sex outside of his marriage without telling his wife, by betraying her trust, she will not sleep with him. They have not had sex since she discovered his affair 16 months ago.
I wonder how this happens. Does one just turn off their sex drive in an effort to make a statement - You hurt me, so I will withhold what it was you hurt me with so that I can hurt you more?
Yes, I realize there is more to this, soooo much more. More, of course, than I will ever know. But what I do know is that Trent is probably one of the most sexual people I have ever met. He operates from his libido; it sustains him, nurtures him, it feeds him. He wears his sexuality, owns it, like a badge of honor. Without it he does not function well. Without his ability to use it, he dies a little inside.
And so, without sex, Trent is literally starving for affection. And for love.
I wonder how I would feel if I couldn’t express my sexuality on a regular basis. Flirt like a schoolgirl. Fuck frenetically when I wanted to … needed to. Surely I would die a little inside, too.
Surely I would feel unloved.
Wouldn’t anyone who was forced into celibacy inside of their own, supposedly loving relationship?
If I know this about Trent, surely his wife does, too. Yet, she is not having sex with him. And she is prohibiting him from having sex outside of their marriage. Of course she is. He is her husband!
She, in effect, owns his ass.
Okay, I know I sound a little snarky, but the truth is that I care about this man. It absolutely pains me to witness his sadness, palpable even through such an impersonal device as a cell phone. One night recently, in my extreme empathy for his sexless plight, I asked Trent to meet me somewhere for a weekend. Maybe a quiet hotel in Arizona or New Mexico?
We could fuck the pain away.
And while he appreciated the offer, he just wouldn’t go for it.
And it’s probably just as well. I know in my head that I shouldn’t get involved. It’s Trent’s bed that he’s made (or unmade, as it were) and so he gets to do the rolling around in it. But, part of me knows that I helped mess it up, and I guess I just want to make him feel better. Do I know that it could, conceivably, only make things that much worse if we were to meet for a weekend rendezvous?
Of course.
But, my head also says that all of it is just bullshit. It’s bullshit in the first place that there be such an indelibly drawn line in the fucking sand that accompanies commitment. The line that says that forsaking all others is what we will promise to do unless we fuck up (which most people do,) and if we do then we have to pay dearly for that sin. The line that indicates that paying for that fuck up means that someone has power over us, because we took power from them when we decided to betray their trust; and so now there’s just a dysfunctional, maladaptive power struggle.
One that NO ONE will ever win.
But my heart? My heart tells me something different.
My heart is telling me to get to Arizona … or New Mexico … and meet Trent, so that I can fold him in my arms and hold him.
Until he feels loved once again.
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When i'mfeelong more defensive about my own presence on-line, one of the aguments I have with myself is that sex, in large part, is the ONLY aspect of relationships where these sorts of power struggles are not only allowed but encouraged. If one's partner says 'don't do x or y' and one DOES x or y, upfront and honestly or not, there may be fights, but rarely will their be divorce, spite, and virtually universal condemnation. As a somewhat rational adult this distinction intrigues me. As a childish seeker of gratification, it frustrates me. In no way does it strike me as appropriate or justified.I hope Trent works through it. He's more patient than I.
…Isn't this hypocrisy? Didn't you say a while back that you weren't going to get involved with ANY married man unless it was okay with his spouse, BECAUSE of what happened with Trent? And how do you have the right to say that Trent is justified? Yes, his wife is being a bit harsh, but it is understandable, in its way, and it's certainly far more honest than what you are preaching. I love this blog, and I admire you, but this is a very childish post, and quite frankly, I thought you had grown more than to be so snarky and so judgmental at the drop of a hat. For once, Trent has it right.
I do not get it? It's hypocrisy? Sadie has not left to Arizona. She's just talking away here on the blog. Sadie if you were do anything to help Trent here's my opinion: Tell him to get a suitcase fill it with his belongings and walk out the door. Leave the illusion that is his marriage. Trent needs to create a REVOLUTION in his life. Own his life. make himself happy..free himself. this is sad.no one owns anybody. I don't care if your married, single, Top or bottom. Trent if somehow you are reading this..make the move. It will be hard but not like the confinement you are currently in. CHANGE
I think his wife's attitude is a bit childish and doesn't solve the problem. I don't call this power, but manipulation. He has the power to just leave if unhappy, but he's staying. He probably has reasons to… (I think this is a great post actually!)
Its funny, because if I remember Trent was quite the Domme as well. But here he is. It actually sounds a bit pathetic to me, that he would accept this arrangement. In any event, I know why you feel for him, but you know as well as anybody that the worst thing you could do is meet up with him and try to cure this with more extramarital sex. Instead, what Trent really needs to do is grow a pair and make a decision. I have no idea why somebody would choose to be in his situation; its demeaning and repulsive. As for his wife, I sympathize, but it sounds like what needs to happen is they need to some counseling together to get past this. Otherwise, staying in this marriage is about the stupidest thing either of them could do.BTW, I still think Trent is, deep down, a serious D-bag, so maybe its karma.Mikey-Mike
Aah yes . . . I thought I recognized this can of worms
You feel that way because you're a compassionate, understanding, open-minded person, who doesn't take others for granted. Some of us are married to people who definitely aren't that way. I'm naturally a very affectionate person myself, who adores touch and intimacy (preferably with my wife), and values it highly as part of a strong relationship . . . . she does not, plain and simple.The degree to which this becomes a problem in any given person's relationship is as varied as the responses that it generates. Some people have a very low pain threshold for this, and would say "oh, I'd be out the door," while others would crawl back, sit down, and shut up . . . and there are tons of other stops along that road, and so many variables. It's left to each person to think carefully through his/her own set of circumstances, and then make their own decision.I'm sure he appreciates your sensitivity to his plight, and is so grateful for your friendship, but you being with him would be like taking a temporary medication . . . the original pain always comes back, until you get it treated properly. The lack of sex is only a symptom for him and his wife . . . the real disease is something much bigger. It sounds like she won't acknowledge that, so he's going to suffer for a while, until they sit down and talk it out thoroughly, or he shocks her into recognizing how much he's suffering, in some way.I'd be happy to talk to him, too, if you think that would help him at all.XO
Wow, Sadie, great post.I think you've illuminated a distinction between how people treat each other and the world.
16 months is a very long time to "punish" someone for having an affair. In doing what she is doing.. she is not allowing the hurt to heal… to let their marriage heal.. to move forward. He was wrong to have an affair.. but she is just as wrong for drawing this out. From the sound of it, this marriage will never be better. She sounds like she will hold this over his head for the rest of their lives.. and that is not a healthy relationship. How could it be? Why on Earth would anyone go through that? At some point.. he needs to make a move. He needs to lay it out there… fix it… or move on. Nothing else is going to work… you can't stay in limbo forever. I hope he can find peace and happiness in whatever he decides.
Sadie,Here's the thing. I know you don't want monogamy or exclusivity in your relationships and Hubby has agreed to this (presumably because he thinks you're "incapable" of it and prefers to just avoid the lying and deception). But that doesn't mean everybody feels that way, or more importantly, should feel that way. I would assert that its not uncommon or wrong for somebody to want exclusivity with their partner. It may not be what you want, but maybe it is what they want. That may be a social construct or it may be a legitimate personal preference, but at the end of the day I think you would agree that we should all have the right to make our own determination of what we want without being subject to judgment either way. Well in their case, its clear that she wants exclusivity and monogamy. And I have a hard time believing that that was not made clear to Trent in advance. So in agreeing to marry her, Trent implicitly agreed to this arrangement. If he couldn't deal with it, then WHY THE HELL DID HE MARRY HER IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE!!! And if he can't deal with the inevitable and expected fallout for violating her expectations, the WHY THE HELL DOESN'T HE GET OUT OF THE FUCKING RELATIONSHIP!!!Look, I think she's being immature and vindictive, but she's been hurt. Not so much by his infidelity, but by the lying and the deceit. And he created that problem, she didn't. If he is so driven by his libido that it defines him, he needs to set up his life in a manner that allows him to express that (as you have done). But he didn't do that originally, and it sounds like he doesn't have the stones to do it now. So I'm having a hard time seeing him as the victim here. If he's suffering so much, why is he sticking aorund? And if he's making the choice to stick around, maybe he needs to nut it up and deal (instead of whining to his ex-flame about it). What I really see here is somebody playing the victim card to get to you. And its working like a charm.Mikey-Mike
Only women with hold sex from their husbands bc….they are mad, hurt, pissed, uninterested….whatever.When I wife refuses sex with her husband and then also refuses him sex with other women….you wonder where this leaves him. Especially when I think about how people in general are such sexual creatures. I don't get it…..I hear what you are saying. And def. feel for you in this position.xo
Well said. Very nicely done. Bravo, Sadie. –Romeo
1st, kudos to Trent for declining your offer of "comfort", that would have just made a bad situation worse. And having been cheated on, I understand how the broken trust can lead to a loss of intimacy (and sex), even without intent to punish. Infidelity hurts. It sounds like some slow progress is being made but bottom line, he (with your help) screwed up big. If he wants to heal things, he has to work with her. OR he can choose to move on without her.
I suppose where I see the hypocrisy is that you prefer an open marriage and don't want to be judged as immoral or 'wrong' because of it. I agree, however, you just did the same, judging someone as 'wrong' because of their wanting a monogamous marriage. We have heard nothing of the wife's side but somehow she is painted the villain. She was blindsided, she had no idea, presumably, that her husband wanted an open relationship, you and he decided to do so without even bothering to discuss it with her. Then she finds out and yes feels betrayed. Perhaps the healing is taking too long, for him. Perhaps it will never bee all right. We won't know, it is THEIR marriage to fix if they want to. I understand you care for him, so perhaps a better option would be to try and be supportive of him and his wife as they seem to want to work on their marriage. So his libido suffers a bit and your reaction is to help the libido? What about all the damage done emotionally? Could helping and being supportive there be a bit more helpful then just helping his libido?You live your life open, fine, great for you, but to look down on his wife when she's probably suffering is a bit rude to say the least. What they are doing to save their marriage is up to them and I can tell you from experience, will take a lot of time, effort and support. Not the libido kind. IF they can work on their trust and marriage, who knows, maybe she can accept him wanting an open relationship, but right now, yes the priority is to work on the trust and foundation of their marriage that YOU helped shatter. Sorry, I think you can either help them with emotional support while they rebuild it, or back off. Offering more sex was incredibly inappropriate. Showing that YOU missed the point. He and you decided to lie, and cheat, and yes it's cheating when the wife has no clue, and now you feel bad there are consequences. At least Trent seems to understand there are and I truly hope he and his wife are able to work through this and rebuild the trust between them. Perhaps he'll be wiser about communicating his needs and wants to his wife BEFORE he feels the need to lie to get what he needs.The way you live your life is not THE right way for everyone just as monogamy is not THE right way for everyone. If you want respect for living open and honest, have respect for those that are dealing with a spouse that has NOT lived open and honest. It boggles my mind that libido is all you are worried about in this situation. Just, boggles.
I've read a few of your blogs and I usually like them. Open and honest, is great! If you are being open and honest. I understand this blog post was probably you venting and being upset that a friend was hurt, but allow me another translation:"I'm Sadie and I'm open and honest about being in an Open Marriage! Until I met Trent, then I decided there was no need to be open and honest, and told him, hey marriage vows? Not important. Talking to your wife about needs and wants? Not important. Telling your wife you want an open relationship? Not important. Let's be together for awhile and just not tell her. Oh wait, you got caught? Hey, you made your bed, you have to lie in it. Wait, she's withholding sex? So unfair!"Feeling bad for him, I get, but how about feeling bad for abandoning any principles of honesty and trust? Trent isn't feeling loved, I'm pretty sure his wife isn't feeling real special right now either. Really, you feel bad for him, feel a little bad that you helped with this mess. That you felt it was unimportant to be honest or to respect his marriage or the vows he made. If that kind of marriage doesn't work for him, that's for him and his wife to decide. Not you and him unilaterally.
So…you preach openness and honesty, and not dealing with men who are cheating on their wives, but now he is suffering because of what you did together, so you want to have sex with him again? I am confused. Is there a nugget of logic that I missed, here?
To those who do not agree with me on this post- Haven't y'all learned yet that I'm not always going to say stuff you want to hear? This is my blog where I think out loud about the issues surrounding my open marriage. All of them. I am not perfect. I am stumbling my way along my path the only way I know how and I put my experiences out here despite the risk of judgment and condemnation, of which I get plenty.That said, I have every right to have an opinion on how Trent's wife is treating him. Did he fuck up? Absolutely! But let me just say that I NEVER intimated, asserted, or otherwise inferred that because he and his wife chose monogamy that they were wrong. If there is ONE thing I remain loyal to, it's the notion that everyone should choose an arrangement that works for them. I am not a member of any elitist camp that says that open relationships are the only way to operate. I have said this TIME and time again, that monogamy works great for many people and I don't necessarily disagree with the concept, and I am offended when I am offered comments to the contrary.What I do have a problem with is the way we have learned to operate within the confines of monogamy, where jealousy is tolerated (expected even) and power struggles abound, creating unhealthy dynamics for all involved, which leach out into other areas of the relationships of the participants involved because these factors make it so difficult to maintain. Also, there are many assumptions made in these comments, many of which are false. The fact is I tried like hell to get Trent to open up to his wife about his affair with me, and give her the benefit of the doubt. He refused. I never once adopted the attitude that has been labeled of me here, that aspects of their situation were "Not important". I also never said Trent was justified in his behavior, or that I was, for that matter. We both fucked up, admittedly. But I don't think people who supposedly love each other should punish each other with sex. Why? Because sexuality is a BIOLOGICAL function. We NEED to connect with people. And by disconnecting inside of your marriage with your spouse you are setting both of you up for further relationship failure down the line. Talk about it, get it out in the open, discuss your hurt and sadness and fear, but don't fucking withhold affection from them because you are angry. I always use this barometer when I wonder if I should treat someone in a way that might not be considerate – I ask myself -Would I treat my child that way? – In this case, would I withhold affection from my kid? Of course not! Then, I should not treat my husband that way either. If so, maybe I should consider exiting the marriage.Again, these are MY thoughts (and my blog). If you are unsatisfied with what you are reading here, if you usually love my blog but don't now because I have an opinion or a behavior different from your own (or one you consider to be wrong), then, by all means, move on. I am not here to make everyone love me. I am here to tell my stories.Read em, or not. Your choice.To everyone else who commented. THANK YOU!xo~Sadie
Using sex to manipulate…thinking of sex as a power to be held over someone…this sort of thing always horrifies me. I hope they are communicating, and trying to make things better, because stagnation will only result in a sour relationship. How much longer can things go on this way? Not too much, probably. I wish them well.
If Trent has any sense, he will knock that relationship on the head pronto.I cannot see the point in trying to hold onto someone and punish them in that way. Where is the love?If he cheated, it was for a reason. For her to compound that reason as a way of trying to hold onto him just doesn't make sense.Maybe she wants him to beg as a way of rebuilding her own ego?I ask again, where is the love?If it was someone I cared about and had had that type of relationship with, I'd be hightailing it down there to comfort him too.
I actually loved this post and what you were trying to say in it – hence why I reposted it on facebook! Anyway, one topic I would be interested to get your opinion on is the guilt or innocence of parties involved in sexual relationships where monogamous marriage is concerned. What I mean is suppose you have a single person or a person in an open relationship (person A) that gets involved with a married/attached person in a monogamous relationship (person B). While I would agree this is probably a bad decision on the single/open person's part I don't think they are morally wrong. The monogamous agreement was only made between person B and his/her spouse and therefore is the only one responsible for breaking that agreement.Thoughts on this issue? It is something my wife and I have been faced with in the past and I go back and forth on it.
Sadie,I love your blog and your opinions, but if you're going to put them out there in public (and then allow comments on them), you have to deal with those people that may disagree with you and express this. Otherwise, close off comments.That being said, my issue with the post was the way you framed Trent as a victim in all of this. I agree that his wife's utilization of sex as a weapon in this way (to create power and hurt him) is bullshit and wrong. But the only reason she has this power is because he is granting it to her by staying around and letting her set the terms of their relationship in this manner. You know, after 16 months my response is "wahhhh, cry me a river." If you're so unhappy, do something about it by either making her address the issue or leave the relationship. Add to this that it seems like Trent is kind of a douche in how he treated her feelings (he didn't just fuck up, by your accounts he had multiple ongoing affairs) and my sympathy for how she's treating him is kind of limited. The only other issue I had was how you always jump to this "blame society" point in every post you do. I disagree that this kind of behavoir (on her part) is socially acceptable. I dare you to find any reputable counselor that would defend her behavoir at this point; this is not a social construct, its her personal issues. Finally, if you don't think your writing casts you as "a member of any elitist camp that says that open relationships are the only way to operate," you obviously don't reread your own stuff very often with your constant harping on how monogamy just doesn't work.I think the real problem with this post is that it cast Trent as a victim of his unyielding, unreasonable, bitchy and spiteful wife with no acknowledgment of his own (much greater) role in creating that situation. Let me ask you this; what has he done to address the situation with his wife and resolve her issues? Has he demanded they go to counseling together to see if they can get past it? Or is he just wallowing in self-pity? Mikey-Mike
Mike-The title of this blog is Confessions From My OPEN MARRIAGE. My subject is open relationships, I do not write about the benefits of or the experiences I have in a monogamous relationship. If by choosing a subject to write about that is in direct opposition with another one (in this case non-monogamy vs. monogamy) is evidence of a bias towards that subject, and represents a condescending majority, then that is your interpretation. But, if I am to be accused of such, then I hope you could please point to a post in which I exercise the elitist attitude that you speak of.Thanks so much!~Sadie
wow … and you wonder why people don't comment more. Just because Mike (and other anon folks), it doesn't mean you should be so bitchy. They're not being rude or offense … but I find your attitude in your response to those who disagree with you to be rather .. well, disagreeable. Apparently, you only want the "go sadie! you're so awesome and sexy" crowd …
"Just because Mike (and other anon folks)disagree with you, it doesn't mean you should be so bitchy. They're not being rude or offensive .." Sorry about the word blunders .. I'm quite tired
Mel, sweetie, I can be bitchy if I want to. It's my blog.;)But, really, I don't think I'm being bitchy. I'm simply asking that people not misquote me. If Mike can find where I have said that open relationships are the only way, I will gladly eat every word I've said here.xo~Sadie
I agree with Sadie: if people are going to say that she says certain things on here, they should be able to provide quotations to support their case.
Mike, you state that you "disagree that this kind of behavoir (on [the wife's] part) is socially acceptable" and you dare Sadie "to find any reputable counselor that would defend her behavoir at this point." I feel that a reputable counselor defending the wife's behavior is not the same as a behavior being socially acceptable. In other words, I think there are lots of behaviors that are socially acceptable that a reputable counselor would not defend. One example: parents teaching and strictly enforcing gender roles on children.
Sadie,Its an impression you give off, not something you can point to in a specific post. Its the constant griping about "mono-thinking" and your inability to understand (or accept) that a lot of people do get jealous and that a lot of people do seek and want monogamy/exclusivity. And maybe its not just social programming but a desire to forge a very intimate relationship with another where you share something exclusive with that person (and vice versa). There's this overriding air that you're not just recounting your experiences, you're advocating. And you don't hide your frustration with people that don't think like you. And I'm not the only one that thinks this as I've seen this brought up in another comment thread. Now I do understand that you feel like your choices/approach are not widely accepted and that frustrates you. fair enough, and I agree, your choices are your business (although I think the extent of the social stigma may be overstated). I also understand that you get frustrated when everybody else doesn't seem to have the relationship multitasking abilities that you think you have. But at a point, your posts just seem … whiney. Instead of working in the world the way it is, you sometimes seem like a 15 year old beating their fists in a pillow and yelling "why can't everybody just see things my way!!!" That being said, I totally respect the decisions you have made for yourself and I find it fascinating to see you try to work it all out for yourself. Because it is an unusual road, but I think you do a pretty good job from what I can see. Still, there are times you come across like the new convert to a religion that can't stomach the idea that everybody doesn't see the same "truth" you just discovered.Mikey-Mike
Adn in this post, I think it is encapsulated in this line:"It's bullshit in the first place that there be such an indelibly drawn line in the fucking sand that accompanies commitment. The line that says that forsaking all others is what we will promise to do unless we fuck up (which most people do,) and if we do then we have to pay dearly for that sin."Well Sadie, a lot of people are comfortable with that line, and want that line and choose to accept that line and for them its not bullshit. Its important. If trent couldn't deal with that line, maybe he should have addressed it directly. Mike-Mike
Mike has it right–I mean, if you choose it, then you don't get to escape the consequences just because all of a sudden you don't like the choice, the committment that you made…
It's not about Trent.It's about Sadie.Boil it down and you getSadie takes what Sadie wants.