I have been thinking about relationships lately. Trying to identify what I want in one, and if indeed I truly want a secondary relationship like I keep telling myself I do. Talking to others about how they structure theirs, and how theirs look when compared to my relationships of past, present and future.

There are so many ways to structure a relationship, so many forms that it can take, and so many factors that go into designing it, sometimes I wonder if I would ever be happy after getting exactly what I want. Because I realize that what I want is constantly changing. I don’t know if it’s my age, or if I am restless, or if I am just fickle as fuck, but it seems that I can want things to look one way on a Tuesday but by Friday I’m craving the absolute antithesis of Tuesday’s design. Kind of like how I can LOVE the cute outfit I put on in the morning but by late afternoon I suddenly think I look like a dismally dreary dolt. Or how I can live for a year with my living room looking a certain way, perfectly functional for its space, but one morning at 2:00 am, I am suddenly and overwhelmingly compelled to switch each piece of furniture around, setting all of the large pieces on the diagonal, pulling art off the walls because their visual purpose suddenly won’t suffice, and then finding myself elbow deep in canvas and paint in an attempt to create “new” art to replace it.

Redesigning, re-doing … restructuring.

I had sex with Dominic Sunday night. It was urge that I acted on not immediately, like re-doing my living room in the middle of the night, but one that was wholly premeditated. I knew long before Sunday that we would have sex again, and I knew that he knew it, too … before I did. And this fact alone is one of the reasons I believe compelled me to go back and fuck him, and cuddle with him, and spend the night in his bed – he knows me pretty damn well.

Dominic’s got my number.

He knows that I can change my mind at the drop of a hat or the change of an outfit. He knows that I am fickle, restless, or just plain unsure of what I want. He knows that, while I may say I want a relationship with someone who will be around to be a secondary partner, and be a confidante, and be a friend, and be a lover, he also knows that I should just chill out and let it happen organically instead of forcing it.

And I know it too.

(Hell, Hubby knows it, too. In fact, he is the one who helped me understand this – god bless him)

So, for now I am just going to go with the flow. I’m going to be okay with that which fits, feels comfortable, and looks good to me … and I’m not going to judge it prematurely.

And I’m going to sleep with Dominic again.

And I am going to enjoy it.

Until whatever this is that we’ve structured together comes to an end … naturally.