Okay, I’ll admit – I didn’t receive this question, but it is a question that was asked by several people in response to yesterday’s piece on CNN by Christopher Ryan, entitled Monogamy unnatural for our sexy species, which you should read.

In fact, you can go read it now if you haven’t seen it yet. I’ll stay here and wait while ya do.

*whistles*

Ryan’s piece, as his title announces, essentially reports that monogamy is not a natural construct. Those of you who read me regularly know that I agree with this notion wholeheartedly. It is, in fact, a huge part of the reason why Hubby and I have an open marriage – because we felt too confined within the trappings of monogamy and ultimately believe it is a societal construct, and wholly unnatural. But Ryan, author of Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, uses historic, biological, and evolutionary considerations to back up his opinion, yet never discussing non-monogamy as a concept at all, which I believe strengthens his message and keeps from diluting it. His article is upfront, articulate, and succinct, and has (at this writing) garnered over 2,200 comments; many of which are full flaming, hating, ignorant drivel.

Of course.

I was struck by how many of the commenters offered nothing constructive or valuable as a retort, but instead just asked him the following ~

Well, then why get married in the first place?

Now, I understand that most people who pose that question to those of us who challenge the monogamy concept do so rhetorically. They don’t really want an answer; their question is actually intended to imply an oversimplified and dissenting opinion (one that is loaded with ignorance) on the information and opinion presented. But, I am going to answer it anyway.

Cuz I can.

People get married for many reasons -security, love and companionship probably being the top three- and those who have never been married before don’t always understand how difficult marriage is to maintain. I’ve said it before and I will say it again and again and again - marriage is work, work and more work.

—And I may not have said it before but I will say it now – every person should be afforded the opportunity to get married. Every. Person. Regardless of their sexual orientation. It is not our government’s (or the church’s) right to limit marriage to the heterosexual establishment that it is currently. If you agree, please sign the Human Rights Campaign’s petition for marriage equality.—

But it isn’t until we have been married to or partnered with someone for a while that we realize the little shit that we couldn’t have foreseen – how the lust wears off, how tedious daily life can become, how quickly the things that we used to find quirky and cute about our partner become annoying beyond reason, how living with someone for a long period of time can make you feel like you aren’t an individual any longer, and how much work it takes to mitigate all of these things. Until we are married (or involved long-term) we just can’t know these things. Now of course there are wonderful, enjoyable, beautiful aspects of marriage. But the truth is that the sweet things are more difficult to appreciate unless you’ve done the work to clear out all the icky stuff that long-term partnering entails. And this is true whether you are practicing monogamy, non-monogamy … or whatever ogamy.

But we human beings get married because we are in love. Because we want to extend that love further. Because we want to have hospital visitation rights if our spouse becomes ill. Because we want family health insurance without having to validate our relationship in order to get it. Because we want a tax break. Because we want to have children and we want to give them the security that having two parents who have legally and/or spiritually committed to each other suggests. And this, of course, can and does suggest different things to different people. And it does not suggest that not marrying or otherwise publicly “committing” means that children wouldn’t have or feel security. It just means that a piece of paper and a memory of a ceremony might sometimes be the glue that holds a crumbling relationship together  - the “Dammit, I vowed to be with her until death do us part and I plan to honor that promise” glue.

Trust me on this. I speak from experience.

And that is why we might get married. We stay married for different reasons – tenacity, security, commitment, love – and we do so because despite all the problems that may arise, the fact is that loving someone long-term feels good. It feels safe and comfortable and substantial. Most married people will tell you that their love for each other has changed over the years – that it has evolved into a deeper, more centered place. Trudging tenaciously through tedium (and sweetness! there is the sweetness!) with someone has a way of irrevocably binding people together in a manner that encourages one to continue to push forward.

But none of this means that we can deny the fact that our biology is such that we are extremely sexual beings, plain and simple. Or that engaging in monogamous relationships is a natural course, as we have, as Ryan states, “been led to believe”. He says we are taught “that waning sexual passion in enduring marriages or sexual interest in anyone but their partner portend a failed relationship, when in reality these things often signify nothing more than that we are Homo sapiens.” It’s natural to want to sleep with other people. It’s a choice as to whether or not we do.

But just because I choose to structure my relationship as non-monogamous with my husband in part because of this instinct towards fucking around (among other reasons) does not mean that the idea of marriage is off the table, out of the question, or otherwise non-negotiable. I chose to marry for the reasons above – love, security, and companionship – and I stay married because of those reasons plus a desire to uphold my commitment.

Besides, I really can’t imagine living my life without Hubby.

So, that’s why we get married in the first place. I don’t think any of us who agree with Ryan that monogamy is unnatural think everyone should go out and start fucking around because that’s what we as animals are meant to do. But I do believe thoughtful investigations such as his should be noted, considered, digested and mulled over with an open mind. Because this is the way that tolerance for alternative relationships is built, and this is necessary. Because what those of us who are married (or parntered) decide to do once we get into the partnership is fully up to us to decide.

And then it becomes our very own DIY project on a very large scale.

Got a question for Friday Q & A? Email me!