In the last couple of weeks not only have my ten year old daughter and I been discussing the concept of polyamory –spurred by an afternoon screening of the tweenly treasured Eclipse– but she also met two of the other people that Hubby and I are involved with.
These were casual meetings and unintentional in their construct. There was no special set-up where we made a conscious decision for them to meet our daughter, or qualified for her our relationships with them with, “These are our special friends” or any such nonsense. She realizes that, like herself, her father and I have friends of differing shapes, sizes, colors, and, yes, even genders. So when Dominic popped over for dinner recently while Hubby was out with Sirena, our daughter did not blink an eye at his arrival. In fact she was quite warm towards him, at least in the way she exhibits enthusiasm. She tends towards shyness when meeting people for the first time. Quite like Dominic himself.
Their interaction was brief but sweet, she pointing proudly to her self-portrait hanging off-kilter on the fridge, and he admiring her art piece with the perfect amount of effusiveness. She pulled up for him clips from Youtube, ones that she deemed absolutely hysterical, and the three of us laughed collectively at the priceless inanity of The Family Guy.
And while I wasn’t present when she met Sirena about a week later, I understand that it went just as well, and that the exchange between them was equally as sweet.
And so it is.
While some may think it strange, confusing perhaps, that Hubby and I would make introductions of this kind, I think just the opposite. I believe that exposing her to our other (established, enduring) partners will help her understand in the future who it is we have spent time with, when the discussions she and I have about polyamory and open relationships turn personal; away from the detached, conceptual discussion she and I had last week where I insisted that, really, Bella should be able to be a girlfriend to both Edward and to Jacob.
To which she wholeheartedly agreed.
Which makes me think that, perhaps, that discussion will be happening a little sooner than I might have thought.
Hooray for that!
Good for you!
When Veronica and I first started swinging, we had 2 different couples over to our home for dinner (2nd dates, on both occasions) and these couples met our kids. As far as the kids knew, these were just friends of ours, they had no idea what happened once they were safety tucked into bed and sound asleep. But both relationships fizzled rather quickly, so we decided to avoid introducing the kids to any of our playmates too soon in the future.
DB will be 10 in a few weeks, someday I suspect we’ll end up sharing our lifestyle choices with the kids, but for now we’re content to insulate them from that.
Lovely!
I think it’s a win for your daughter to see the possibility of relationships, and the emotional maturity from all parties.
You’re going to be such an incredible resource when she starts dating and wants advice, etc.
xoxo
Jess
I remember when my wife and I were involved with another couple a while back our kids occasionally caught us in bed with the other partner in the morning.
We laughed it off as no big deal. As far as we were concerned as long as the kids knew we were committed to each other and would always love them what did it matter if they knew who we slept with?
Your really an inspiration in the way you are raising your daughter – I hope that I can help my kids (if there ever are any!) to be as open-minded and accepting.
xoxox
And what an embarassment – that should have been, of course, *you’re* really an inspiration!
xoxox
You give me hope.
Our erstwhile secondaries (for those that must have a label) are active forces in our kids lives-practically god-parents. And, they get the kids if my wife and I are hit by a bus. The kids have seen them naked, occassionally, because we’ve all skinny dipped together. But, the kids don’t know of anything else that might be going on–(well, nothing is going on right now…). But I suspect the kids suspect.
My kids know all about LGBT folks, and know a bunch of them (well, LG and T–not many of the B folks are out around them). And we take advantage of opportunites to say “some people have more than one boyfriend or girlfriend.” I do believe they’ll have a healthy concept and understanding of all these things. But, I worry, that they’ll be the “odd” kids out, you know, the kids with the weird parents……
I mean, we’ll be that anyway, but I wonder if being open will be one of those ways?
Danglin, I hope not. I like to think that by the time she’s a teenager, the taboo will have worn off. It will be kind of like Johnny having two mommys, where my daughter can say that her dad has a girlfriend and her mom has a boyfriend and it won’t really be that scandalous.
Or that could be me just being optimistic and a tad naive.
But, I do plan to somehow show open marriage as a viable relationship construct to more than those here in this little corner of blog land (as you know). Reaching a wider audience is a goal of mine, and I hope that with awareness will come acceptance, or at least tolerance. My feeling is that it’s not that much of a stretch, really. Lot’s of kids have parents who cheat on each other. Being honest about it at least shows our kids that we respect them and our partners enough not to hurt them in that way.
Thanks D. Lunch soon, darlin?
xox~Sadie
[...] She has met a select few of our “friends”. Our daughter doesn’t have any concept that they may be anything unlike the friends that she has. She is only ten years old, and still doesn’t have a handle on what romantic relationships actually are. She knows her parents are married because they love each other, and she sees us display plenty of affection towards each other (and her,) but she also knows that being married is difficult … because we tell her it is, and because she sees that it is. Hubby and I have been doing a lot of internal work lately, both individually and as a couple, and this sort of self-discovery tends to bring up all sorts of annoying, latent shit to contend with. [...]