I received this question from a woman who opened up her marriage about a year ago ~
Sadie, I took my first lover last year, and it was wonderful, but didn’t last long. And then I met someone I’ve been with for 8 months now, and it’s amazing, but we contracted something called Molluscum that has put a damper on our relationship.
How do you avoid getting an STD?
~Pamela
Molluscum is a pox virus that is transmitted via skin to skin contact. This means that it can be technically classified as a sexually transmitted infection (STI,) but one doesn’t necessarily need to engage in sexual behavior in order to pick it up. In fact, Molluscum was once seen almost entirely in children because their immature immune systems allow for easier infection. But Molluscum outbreaks have recently begun to infect adults; and those adults infected are unwittingly spreading them to their sexual partners via skin-to-skin contact. The pox that the virus creates on the skin typically take between six and twelve months to fully disappear, which makes the transmission of them that much more likely. The longer they stick around on the skin, the more opportunity they have to spread to another host. But the CDC says that Molluscum infection is mild and “should not be a reason for concern or worry”.
I think the best way to avoid contracting Molluscum is to ask your partners if they have any recent skin eruptions whose origins they can’t identify. And if the answer is yes, don’t panic. Just go see a doctor, and proceed accordingly. The main problem with Molluscum is that it can take a while to get rid of it.
In terms of how I avoid other STD’s or STI’s – I use condoms.
No, they aren’t fool proof.
Yes, there is a risk.
But the risks are greatly minimized by the fact that … I use condoms.
And, in addition to using condoms, I also get a full-panel STD screen at least once a year as a precautionary measure, to make sure that the condoms that I use are doing their job. I also ask many of my future partners about their sexual history and if they have (or have had) any diseases or infections. This opens up an important dialogue, and allows me to gauge whether or not I am taking any additional risks. Whether or not they are being truthful (or if they might be simply unaware) is, of course, a part of that risk.
But mostly, I avoid an STD by using condoms.
And so should you.
Please check out this post about using condoms by the lovely Julie Sunday of
How To Have Sex in Texas.
Hey Sadie,
Great advice. But I was wondering have you ever been fluid bonded with a poly partner? We make sure everyone’s papers are up to date. I realize there is also a level of trust that you are the only one having unprotected sex with them too.
Just wondering.
Cheers
A
A- No, not yet. But that’s not outside the realm of possibility with the right person. And yes, trust is pretty much the biggest issue with that, as well as up to date tests.
xo~Sadie
I was just thinking about this. If I get married and decide to open it… just using a condom wouldn’t be enough for me. If If I took a lover, there would be no genital to genital or mouth to genital contact without being covered. That means condoms for intercourse, obviously. And condoms for blowjobs and dental damn if I perform oral sex on her. I would expect the same from my wife and if i found out that she engaged in any of this activity with out condoms or dental damn then I wouldn’t touch her until she got tested. This also brings up how safe kissing is. Kissing also transfers bacteria and, what ever else, that she brings home to me. how does everyone else feel about this? do you, Sadie, or anyone else reading this use protection for every sexual act…or just vaginal intercourse? Because the way I see it…whats the point of putting your mouth around a penis that you wouldn’t put your vagina around?
Reader,
I don’t use condoms or dental dams for oral sex. The risk for STI and STD transmission via oral sex is much lower than the risk of that for vaginal sex. That said, the risk is still there!
Like Julie Sunday said in the post I linked to, from a statistical standpoint, most sex acts don’t result in transmission of a disease. It is important, however, to understand the risks involved and make decisions based on what is comfortable for you.
xo~Sadie
herpes alone is risk enough for me. i have read that 60-90% of the population gets cold sores. cold sores are oral herpes (usually herpes 1). one of those people kisses a married woman…she gives her husband oral sex..and bam, hubby now has a lifetime of recurrent sores on his penis…and the cycle continues. even with condoms…the chance of transmitting herpes is still only 30 percent lower. You can herpes can even transmit from genitals to fingers and vice versa (Herpetic whitlow) even scarier is getting it in your eye. how many times a day do you wipe your eye wiithout thinking. how many women have had an ejaculation mishap that went into their eye…its pretty common…ive accidentally done it to multiple girls…we live in an age where more and more people are using condoms but all forms of herpes are the rise and thats just people that know they have it. you can even have both types of herpes in the same place at the same time…its gross…not to be a kill joy or judgemental but open marriage isnt worth it if one partner is putting the other partner at risk.
sorry for coming across as a jerk…i just read what i wrote and it sounds like im preaching. I am a big fan of your blog and viewpoints. Your posts make me think alot about how i want to be in my future marriage and what im comfortable with my future wife doing. so keep on keeping on
This is a quote from the book that I have just finished writing.
With regards to being open and having multiple partners and the risks of STD’s in doing so-
“Hubby and I have carefully weighed the risks versus the rewards and together we’ve decided that we are willing to take the risk. There are risks involved in many of the things we human beings do each day, from getting in a car and driving down the interstate to climbing the face of a rock at Joshua Tree. One of the beautiful things about being human is the fact that we have the ability to make decisions based on what works well for us as individuals. I wouldn’t tell anyone not to go hang gliding at Mount Tamalpais, even though it’s not something I would do myself; because it’s a risk I’m just not willing to take. But I certainly understand the motivation and determination behind it. The activity of hang gliding (and rock climbing, skiing, snowboarding, bungee jumping, et al) releases endorphins that flood the brain with an energy that makes the person experiencing it feel really fucking good. And, you know what? So does sex! If I choose to take the risk associated with fucking someone else, it is my choice to make. But along with that choice, it is also my responsibility to minimize any risk I might take in order to protect myself, Hubby and anyone else I sleep with, from the possibility of a negative consequence as a result of that choice. This I do by practicing safer sex.”
And here is an excellent resource for reading about HSV-1 and HSV-2 http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html
Wow, thanks for that lesson! I never even knew there were STIs! Eesh, I guess being married keeps a lot of that info away [shrug]?
that definitely brings a new interesting dynamic and conflict to open marriage. I am assuming that you and hubby both agree on condom/dental dam use. But, what would you do(this ? is open to anyone) if your husband was like me and demanded that every single sexual act must be protected and wouldn’t budge. Thats definitely how i feel and know it will be a problem for any future open relationships i find myself in.
Reader, is this the policy you operate under now? Do you use dental dams and condoms with the partner(s) you are with now and in the past? I’m just curious if the demands you will insist upon making in the future are in alignment with your current behavior.
It’s interesting that you mention Molluscum, I had never heard of it until a few months ago when someone I know came down with a case of it. Fortunately a few treatments with liquid nitrogen freezing by a dermatologist and it was gone.
Thanks for the post, I don’t think we talk enough about safe sex and STDs- too many blog descriptions of sex leave out mention of condoms. Is it really that difficult to include that detail when writing about sex?