Cheating has been on my mind lately for a number of reasons. The revolutionary new book, Sex at Dawn has just been released, and it contains very strong historical and biological evidence that suggests that human beings are not designed for monogamy. I have made it my mission this week to read all that Christopher Ryan, one of the book’s authors, has published on the Internet; and in his writings, he offers very persuasive explanations to the reason people cheat. I have an idea as to why some people cheat because, a couple of years ago I was involved with two men, both of whom were cheating on their wives.

When in mixed company, if I offer up this particular piece of information, I am of course, more often than not, met with squinted eyes; the kind of eyes that convey judgment of the most condemning kind. The eyes that, in those instances, preternaturally brand my bosom with the vermillion A that my behavior (in their squinted eyes,) positively warrants for my participation in betrayal of such towering proportions.

But, my eyes see it differently.

People cheat for many reasons. Because sex is one of the main components of infidelity, we can assume that people cheating is about fucking other people – be it to get off, to get intimacy, or to get some sort of control over their lives. People cheat sometimes because they have a natural, biological urge to have sex with someone other than their spouse; or, as in the case of the many married or attached people out there whose significant others aren’t giving it up at all – those people cheat because they have a natural urge to have sex with someone, anyone at all. This happens more often than you think. The married man I was involved with, Charles, was fucking me for this exact reason. Trent, a married man that I still text with and phone fuck on occasion hasn’t fucked his wife in 17 months because she is punishing him for giving into that biological urge in the first place. In addition to reading Christopher Ryan, I have also been reading the incredibly straightforward, no holds barred sex advice columns of Dan Savage. The man is a genius with an ability to tell it fucking straight, and I have found that I agree with his viewpoint on practically every front. His take on monogamous relationships is – if you are in a relationship with someone where the sex was great in the beginning, if the person involved led you to believe that sex would be an ongoing piece of your relationship’s equation, and then suddenly the sex stops, then you have a biological and natural right to go get your needs met somewhere else.

I totally, 100% agree.

Is it best to do that with the consent of your partner? Absolutely. Is that realistic? No, not so fucking much.

Because we live in a society that holds marriage and long-term commitment in such hypocritical reverence that it disallows two people who deeply, poignantly love each other the opportunity to broadcast that love based on their genders. In this society it is also assumed that monogamy must be upheld inside the relationship construct despite the extremely high infidelity rate which more often than not, results in broken families; the very families whose institution this society strives to protect by refusing to recognize same sex marriage.

And so it is because of this backward-ass thinking that men and women, when they come to the inevitable crossroads in their relationships, will either be afraid of or will not think to discuss with their partner the idea of actually talking about what other options they might have. And I say inevitable because it is certain that they will come to a point where they will ask themselves – Is this it? Stay with a person long enough, and there will come a time that it is necessary to reevaluate the relationship. It’s just the law of the nature of relationships. It seems that most people, and certainly the ones who cheat, do that reevaluating on their own, instead of with their partner. They have recognized the crossroads, which may have turned into a chasm by then -a seemingly hopeless hollow- and this may incite them to stray. This chasm is (without extremely mindful and diligent communication) almost bound to happen; values clash, hurtful words are hurled, spirits become bruised, intimacy ceases, resentments are built, and the damage is done. And once this chasm has occurred, it can feel immense, irreparable, irreconcilable … impossible to overcome.

And once it feels impossible to overcome, it feels impossible to talk about with the person who’s in that chasm with you.

Seems strange, doesn’t it? Because if you were stuck in an actual chasm, instead of a metaphorical one, such as a deep mine 2,300 feet underground, with someone that you loved, the chances are that this traumatic experience would bond you inextricably. Weathering such an ordeal together would solidify a camaraderie that would forever link you. But then, if you were trapped 2,300 feet underground together for any length of time, you’d talk to each other. And you’d talk about the things that are important. Like your relationship.

But, because our society is so fucking hell bent on imposing the value system of Keep your pants zipped, your chastity belts fastened, your eyes to the ground, and your hands to yourself, (in the midst of a booming, gazillion dollar porn industry – figure that one out) it doesn’t feel comfortable for most people to say to their significant others, Hey, I love you, but this isn’t working for me. What can we do so that we can both be happy?

So they fuck around because their bodies crave the intimacy and they cross their fingers and hope against hope that they won’t get found out. And when they do get discovered (because they almost always do) they and the people they cheated with become destined to be forever greeted with the squinty eyes of judgment and condemnation and slandered with scarlet letter A’s.

But luckily, voices like that of Dan Savage and books like Christopher Ryan’s Sex at Dawn threaten to undo this rampant, outdated, and ultimately injurious mindset by raising awareness that sex is a fundamental piece of our humanness, and that monogamy is a behavioral choice, not an absolute, cultural imperative.

And I will remember these words (just a small piece of a lengthy missive,) which arrived in my inbox just yesterday from Charles, who is on the threshold of an amicable divorce, and whom I had not heard from in some time –

It was you, Sadie, who first jumpstarted what had not been, and let me go to places that made me realize I had to go there and stay in those places … Part of what you showed me is that I really did need much more in my life. There are different paths to freedom. I have spent most of my marriage trying to fill in the gaps. Freedom for me was actually realizing then I had to stop all of the things that may have looked like freedom but were actually making it harder to find myself… I owe great deal to you, Sadie. I really do.

Interestingly, Charles found his path to freedom by becoming involved with me; by cheating on his wife with me. He realized that true intimacy was something that he not only needed, but profoundly deserved. And now he has that with someone who loves him (and who fucks him) as he is wholly entitled to be.

So, you see, I am not the wearer of bar sinister here.

And this is why I see things differently… and not through squinted eyes.