Good quality sex education is positively paramount to healthy sexual attitudes and thus, healthy sex lives. We all deserve such riches, do we not? This is easier attained than some of us actually understand, but because there is much conflicting information and because the subject is so controversial and steeped in contentious value judgments, unfortunately the funds for such educational efforts become mis-appropriated or at the very least, have been used for misguided purposes.

These are, of course, only my opinions.

But the truth is that very recently, organizations that promote the use of virginity pledges, encourage the wearing of purity rings, and advocate abstinence until marriage were offered federal funding to do so, while other holistic, REALISTIC approaches, such as the Scarleteen website, have had to rely on private funding in order to educate teens on all the intricate facets of sex and sexuality. Some churches in the United States have received as much as $1 million dollars to champion an arrangement that not only flies in the face of biology (our bodies are designed for sexual exploration – we are literally driven by our libidos,) but which wholly undermines the experience that sex should become after the enchanted wedding vows have been taken; that which is a pleasurable and satisfying experience to be enjoyed by both people. However, I would be willing to bet that in many arrangements made upon such a premise, this is not necessarily the case.

I’ve never understood the concept of “saving yourself for marriage”. What exactly is one “saving” by waiting until the blessed wedding night to have sexual intercourse? An unbroken hymen? And what does one expect to accomplish by doing so? Moral fortitude? The rhetoric itself implies that proprietorship thing that bothers me so much about many relationships, and this phrase in particular tends to be fairly gender focused – a girl is told that if she saves herself until the right man comes along, then she can give herself (as if a prize) to him once he has demonstrated his love for her enough that he might marry her. Really? Is this a message girls should receive? That they are part of a purchase contract, the bargaining chip in an antiquated marriage negotiation? I just can’t get on board with that. I don’t think I could have been on board with that in 1910. I sure can’t understand how that scenario regularly plays itself out 100 years later, and during a time (and in a place) where gender equality is at it’s most immutable.

And what about the boys who are saving themselves? How many of them are rushing into these marriage contracts simply for the sake of winning that coveted prize of shameless, church-approved sex?

Someone told me the other day that he had met a 21 year-old woman who wore a purity ring. What did I think of that? He wanted to know.

I said, I think she’ll make someone a frustrated husband some day.

I said this as a joke but part of me believes that the circumstance is plausible. I’d like to believe that lot’s of these kids are remaining chaste because it’s a decision they’ve come to, and they are without question the authorities over their own bodies, but I worry that they are doing so without any sort of a safety net. Because sex, like anything else worthwhile, such as being a good softball player, or an accomplished musician, a whiz at mathematics or a mean cook … takes practice. And knowledge. And education.

Lots of education.

A safety net.

But what happens with these abstinence programs is that they are so focused on kids not having sex, they completely ignore the reality that at some point the people who are saving themselves are going to be having sex – be it when they get married or give into their raging hormones (or both.) But the programs that encourage them to keep their pants on, totally fail to educate them on all the practical stuff about sex, like condoms and lubricant use and why our bodies want so much to be pressed up against someone else’s. And this is because they make the bold assumption that abstinence solves all the problems that many sex education programs focus on -namely STD’s and pregnancy prevention (although Scarleteen is much more comprehensive than many of these diluted sex education programs)- and so they don’t take into consideration the fact that humans are highly sexual creatures, and teenagers especially can be prone to behaviors that do not always align with their perceived values. Nor have they necessarily decided what those values are. Which means that there are plenty of people wearing purity rings and carrying around pocket-sized virginity contracts that aren’t actually pure and virginal, but who have talked themselves (and others) into believing they are because they’ve got a ring or a piece of paper to prove it.

Listen, sex is something we do. We all do it, have done it, will do it, want to do it, NEED to do it. Should we teach kids to learn to do it responsibly? Yes. Do we need to teach them how to do so safely? Absolutely. But they need to be taught, because figuring it out on their own, after they’ve had it drilled into their heads that sex is a precious commodity that should only be disclosed within this sacred covenant of marriage without any prior knowledge of all that it’s about, only sets them up for supreme failure.

And our government has been funding the advocation of this practice.

But what our government does not fund are incredible, valuable, realistic sex education organizations such as Scarleteen, Sex Ed for the REAL World. Scarleteen, a website founded by Heather Corinna, is a safe place where teens and young adults can go to get the answers to their questions about EVERYTHING related to sex and sexuality. Scarleteen is an independent, grassroots sexuality education and support organization and website. Founded in 1998, Scarleteen.com is visited by around three-quarters of a million diverse people each month worldwide, most between the ages of 15 and 25. It is the highest-ranked website for sex education and sexuality advice online and has held that rank through most of its tenure. Scarleteen, unlike the program mentioned above, has never been funded by the government, and subsists strictly from private donations like yours.

So, please, make a tax deductible donation today.

And check out AAG’s blog for other sex education related testaments and stories.

And have sex, lots of good quality, educated sex. And teach a young person that sex and sexuality is a complex, fascinating, and ultimately wonderful thing…

Not something that should be “saved” and auctioned off to the highest bidder.