Revelation. Confession #580

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Posted on : 06-30-2011 | By : Sadie Smythe | In : marriage, open marriage

It was simple, really. We had become one person.

I suppose it happens in some marriages. Merging a life with someone else’s might mean we are destined to become them, and they us. For us it was certainly that, and it was also the dynamic that was created as a result of our joining; two desperate souls searching for the opportunity to entwine. I was, ultimately, the one who needed looking after. And Scott? He stood steadfastly by, waiting (needing?) to provide assistance. It worked beautifully.

Until it didn’t any longer.

That’s the problem with relationship dynamics, once one person’s shifted out of that ring of functional dysfunctionality, it all fucking falls apart. That’s what happened to us. I tried to stop but he kept going. And as he did he dragged me back into the original operation – further in, towards the dynamic that had me exacting restrictions upon him that I had no business forcing. The dynamic that made me attempt to control certain aspects of his other relationships and even parts of his work. The dynamic that allowed him to encourage this control by appeasing me with empty promises and by lying to me about things that were meaningless, trivial, stupid.

It was utterly fucking exhausting.

Scott napped quietly one afternoon last week. He had come home from work early because he felt ill. His body did what mine usually does under severe emotional stress (but had somehow managed to avoid succumbing to) – it shut down. I hadn’t seen him quite so subdued in a very long time. I had told him I wanted a divorce. No more, I said. I was done. The dynamic was choking the life out of our marriage. And I, too, was suffocating. He collapsed onto the bed. Slept soundly.

I was working at my computer when I heard a sudden, disconsolate sobbing issuing from his station across the room. I ran to him, leaned into him, loved him -felt it fiercely and resolutely even- and waited for him to collect himself. Once he had gained composure, Scott began to speak.

With heaving chest and unconditional intention he illustrated to me how he had just, in a freeing flash of consummate clarity, discovered the fastest route towards leaving the circular, defective mode we’d been cycling in for so many years. The cycle I’d been attempting to circumnavigate since I stopped drinking. And as he spoke I listened. And nodded. And when he was through we talked. And talked. And talked.

We talked for hours and have logged countless more ever since. We have talked without pain. Without judgment. And without the need to win a battle we didn’t even realize we’d been fighting.

The key?

Independence. For ourselves. From each other. So that we can both be ourselves. But with each other.

And with that revelation, as affirmation, we begin anew.

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Comments (12)

friday the 1st is a new Moon Lunar eclipse. Plant the seed

I’ll correct myself..Partial Solar eclipse on a New Moon…geez plant two seeds..;) good luck to both of you

@Sadie – So is this resolution, or a path towards the same? Either way I’m hoping the best for you both.

@Niko – What is a “New Moon Lunar eclipse?” Doesn’t the Earth need to be in between the Sun and the Moon for an eclipse (which can’t happen during a New Moon)?

You are brave for making the choices you have, and being so honest with yourself and all of us. Thank you for sharing your pleasures and your pains. You are not alone.

YESYESYES!!! *HUGS* xoxoXOXO

This is a beautifully written passage, despite its dark content. I earnestly hope things work out for the better, and they seem to already be doing so. Take care of yourselves and stay well.

Love this. :)

I know it may seem strange to say this in light of the fact that you’ve raised the issue of divorce in this post. But, here goes. This blog has really turned into a love story. You’ve learned to love yourself, and your love and compassion is radiating out into your relationship with Scott.

As an addict in recovery, I know precisely what you mean about the functional dysfunction. And when you break out of that, it’s completely disorienting to all parties.

But, you are doing the hero’s work of learning to live life on life’s terms. Your capacity for love and acceptance is becoming even more radical, it seems from reading this. Who knows where your marriage ends up? I work my ass off on mine, but there are no guarantees. Every day, we begin again. It’s a choice.

I’m so proud of a fellow sojourner, and I find it so personally inspiring to see such honesty and growth. No matter what happens, it will be the best thing because of the path you are on. And the gift you are giving your daughter is immeasurable.

Love is power and you are channeling that love. Peace, bro.

YES, I know exactly what you’re talking about . . . at least with the merging into one person.

And the fact that y’all have had these revealing conversations without pain or judgment leads me to think y’all will emerge stronger & happier. That’s SUCH a valuable space to have within a relationship.

Hope y’all have a loving 4th of July weekend!

xoxo

I really truly think that anyone who is even thinking of getting married – whether they’re in an open relationship or not – should read your words and see just how fucking difficult marriage is. Not to scare them off. Just to make sure they don’t get married expecting roses without thorns. You write so honestly and openly and I know I at least appreciate it so much.

But beyond the tough times, what is particularly inspiring about reading the trials and tribulations and highs and celebrations of your relationship with Scott is your willingness to always meet problems in new ways, to be able to start again and again, and find the path that works at that time.

No matter how your marriage ends, be it in the rough times, or til death do us part, I’ll always consider yours and Scott’s relationship to be a success because of all the wonderful things you have clearly built together.

All I can say is that I hope – and am sure you will – continue to grow. And at the moment, if together seems good, then I’ll be thinking of you two as the pair you are.

silly and unessary emotion. Sw needs to introduce polygamy into the family talks or better yet find your God, whatever you perceive that is. Only a suggestion for a friend.

How eerie that I just wrote about that last night on Fruits of Libido. A relationship is a strange balance between molding yourself to the other person and holding to yourself all at the same time. Hope you can find it. Sometimes it takes a bump on the road to trigger the dynamics necessary to bring your relationship to that other level of maturity.

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