Advice for Dave.


Posted on : 08-03-2011 | By : sadiesmythe | In : advice, open marriage

Today I am taking a question from a reader who contacted me for advice. I figured I’d answer him and then let y’all chime in, too~

First and foremost, your writing is wonderful and I thoroughly enjoy the perspective you capture in your blog entries. It takes courage to constantly assess your marriage and I admire the trust you and your husband share as you fearlessly explore the depths of your open marriage. That said, I have a question regarding my relationship with my fiance. We are in somewhat of a sexual rut. I am trying to explore new ideas, toys, fantasies, etc.. that I hope may rekindle our romantic flame. I’m sure you know what I mean by a rut. No matter how great the sex was or still is it seems we both always fall into the “routine” which I believe we are both getting rather tired of. It starts with missionary ends with doggie style and the act is starting to become rather dull and expected. I wanted to know if you have any suggestions for toys or ideas that may renew the passion? Thanks for your time!


First let me start by saying thank you to Dave. I appreciate you taking the time to butter me up before you ask me for help. That’s super sweet. Not everyone does that, which is why I figured I’d answer this in my public forum, so that you can get my input as well as that of others. So, readers, please help Dave (and me) out with this advice giving thing.

Next I’d like to address the fact that you are talking about your fiance. You haven’t married her yet so I assume you’ve been together fewer than a couple of years. And you are already in a sexual rut? I have to say that sets off some warning bells in my pervy little, sexually-overactive mind. I wonder if it has yours, too? And why have you fallen into this “routine”? Are neither one of you taking the initiative to switch it up? It doesn’t take but a second to suggest a position or move to another part of the bed (or floor, or table, or couch, or chair – these are all suggestions on other places where you could fuck, by the way) but someone has to make the first move. My guess is it’s going to be you, since you are the one writing me. Are you certain she’s tired of the same old stuff? She may be quite happy with it.

But, here’s the thing… you won’t know unless you talk to her about it.

I know it might seem sort of silly to say, but lots of us don’t actually talk to our partners (even the one’s we are going to marry!!) about what they might like to try, do, watch, feel and fantasize about. Even though we ourselves have thoughts, feelings, fetishes, fantasies and desires about what it is we’d quite like to take a stab at. I mean, I could tell you, Dave to hop on over to your local sex shop and pick up a ceramic dildo (for her) and a butt plug (for you) and take turns inserting these beautiful, penetrative objects into each others’ orifices until you are both screaming in delight. I could tell you to make sure you play with her clit while you are fucking her with the dildo and I could instruct you to instruct her to jerk you off while you’ve got the butt plug in, but what good would that do if it’s something you’ve not discussed? That’s your first step. Talk to her about such ideas. Surely you’ve got some!

And watch porn together. In fact, watch her watching porn. Turn her on to gay porn – women on women porn and men on men porn. Even if it doesn’t get you off, chances are it will get her off, and that will get you off, won’t it? If it doesn’t, you can talk about what didn’t work, what might have worked and what perhaps worked a little bit – positions, body parts, sentiments uttered, etc. Then you’ll have an idea of what she’s into!

And then go from there. Once you’ve opened up the dialogue to include the possibility of porn and the possibility of toys, then perhaps you can open up the dialogue to the possibility of others – other sex partners. Either as strictly fantasy play or for real. Because if you are in a rut this early on in your relationship, my guess is your sexual compatibility may be off. And if that’s the case, you’ll want to discuss now the possibility of having an open relationship later (perhaps even much later) down the line. Because, remember? You are marrying this girl. This is, presumably, the rest of your lives together, including your sexual lives. It shouldn’t hurt to begin to communicate the possibility that one day you might grow a little bored of each being the other’s sole sexual outlet.

Because, really? Everyone does. They just don’t always admit it.

I hope this helps, Dave.

Readers, it’s your turn.


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Comments (7)

Blindfolds are great – one at a time, though. Not both of you at the same time. Try grabbing a fistfull of her hair near her neck and tugging a little. Get creative with foreplay and save the main event for AFTER she’s gotten hers.


Ask her what she desires. Really listen & find a way that works for you too to make that happen.

Good sex doesn’t have to be kinky or a stream of wild toys . . . it’s both parties having their needs met.

Speaking from my own experience, it can be really really difficult to say what you need in bed. I cried like a baby trying to tell my 1st longterm lover what I needed, because I was so nervous about how’d he take it . . . he took my tears as I wasn’t attracted to him.

So try no judgment & make her feel safe & don’t take it personally . . . so she can really open up & tell you how she feels.

& please let us know how it goes!


Try opening up the lines of communication via email. Sometimes it can be a little easier to say certain things that way if you’re shy at all.

I’ve no advice to Dave except to say: what she said.

Standing ovation to Ms Sadie, the most perfect advice!

treat her like you just met. and never take her for granted.
get creative and surprise her with little things. a trail of notes leading her to her gift. make her think.
it’s hard (17 years) to keep it fresh, but i treat my lady as the center of my universe.
surprise her often, spoil her when i can and take her someplace else to make love.
a short list: we built the kids a playhouse, it needed a housewarming. snowshoeing, backpacking, just below treeline (11,300 feet above sea level, the two mile high club), in a meadow of quaking aspen glittering in the sun.
i made an entire weekend of macgyver with a script, jewelry, and a bag over my head with pix of macgyver! i dressed up for the part. had gadgets that didn’t work. i had to teach her to shoot rubber bands at plastic soldiers, she’d never done that before!
i made her strip down and gave her gifts to open and dress up piece by piece in front of me. she looks incredible in a leather mini and bustier, fishnets, long lace gloves and stilettoes!
have fun yourself and get creative! keep her laughing and pay very close attention to her. that’s the only way to learn her true desires. it’s the subtle things not the stated that get overlooked.

Y’all are awesome! Great suggestions all.

And, Muffdyver, you’ve got one lucky lady!!!


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