There hasn’t been a time that I didn’t need or want someone. I always want someone … or a few someones. We all do, yes?
One of the things about having an open marriage is that it enables its participants to extract from others those bits of love and energy that we don’t get from our spouse – it lets us fill those inevitable holes that can’t be filled by one person.
I am realizing, resolutely in fact, that have a few holes that need filling.
No, not those holes.
Okay, maybe some of those holes.
Sex and intimacy ebb and flow inside a marriage and Scott and are definitely ebbing at the moment. Perhaps this decline is as a result of some natural course or due to the fact that our energies are focused elsewhere, or it’s because working on our marriage has proved to be emotionally draining. But whatever the reason, I am realizing how much I am missing that certain Intimacy. The touch of someone new. Kind and gracious words delivered unexpectedly. The sweet breath on the back of my neck. The breath of someone who is realizing I am kind of awesome.
I need to start dating again.
And by dating, I mean dating. Not fucking around. Again.
My mother asked me why I wasn’t dating right now and I told her each time I make a motion to get out there and start doing just that I question whether my motives are pure. Would I be dating people to chase and procure a feeling? Fill an emotional void? Build equity in my open marriage? Create a distraction from all the stuff I’ve got going on?
Well. Upon introspection (and a hand smack to the head – *doh*) it turns out the answer to all of those questions is, to some degree, yes.
But fuck it. It’s time.
Now for the hard part. Because I think I may have forgotten how…